blogging on the beach??

great body surfing at ft tilden. but watch that undertow!

no blog entries today

i'm biking to the beach. no blog today. well, except this. and maybe a pic or two from the beach. smooches!

see below for title of entry

hot and sticky,

or,

how i learned to stop worrying and love public storage.

i spent the afternoon with my sister getting some of her many things out of storage and into boxes. then we took the boxes to the post office. un-air-conditioned storage halls AND the post office.

best day ever, obviously.

my day off

if you haven't been to the floating pool, you have two weeks left. i plan on being here every day. join me?

in other news

i finished four songs last night.

one is about my sister.

one is a fictional account of almost dying of malaria.

one is about sunsets.

one is about a girl, using a coyote as a metaphor.

they are all not too bad.

man, i've missed songwriting! i don't think i can post mp3s or i'd put them up for you. maybe i'll join the myspace that people have been talking about.

news in review

today's shocking discoveries:

turns out chernobyl is 'not a wildlife haven'. there's a shocker.

the latest in the saga of 4real: his kiwi parents are dedicated to keeping their baby named 4real but are stifled by ultra-conservative new zealand baby-naming laws that prevent the inclusion of numbers. so they're going to legally name their baby superman. and then just call him 4real anyways.

news for the lonely: presenting the boyfriend pillow.



ms suzuki explains the appeal: "it keeps holding me all the way through. i think this is great because this does not betray me."

in other news, our president has been outdone. you think he looks this good with his shirt off? daaaaaaang, putin. i'd go fishing in tuva with you any time.

where am i right now?

under silver trees in madison square park.

a revelation!

I just learned how to send pictures from my phone right to my blog.

my new favorite customer

"can i have a stoli razz, midori and watermelon pucker with cranberry and pineapple?"

no. you can't. go back to manhattan.

be gentle

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that's the fallout from me breaking my t key in the middle of an email. be gentle with your laptop. putting keys back on is a total pain in the ass.

magic has returned

maybe it's because i've just finished reading the magical (and highly recommended) book jonathan strange and mr norrell. maybe it's the perseid summer meteor shower. whatever it is, something has awoken a familiar and still not quite understood power in me.

all of a sudden i don't need to look at the phone to see who's calling. i think of people who've been out of my life and they return. gypsies appear at the bar. i hear my tarot deck calling from wherever it was lost. no ghosts... yet. but i think they're close.

don't mean to creep y'all out. anyone else feeling the same way?

four hands, one guitar

friends of a friend. brilliant.

shimmering night sky

last night i went to the mets game, a great game, the best i've been to this year.

the highlight? the come from behind victory was wonderful. but on this sweltering, humid night, the hottest temp at game time in six years at shea, the highlight was provided by the SNY baseball card giveaway.

when the mets tied the game in the 7th, people started throwing the shiny cards down from the upper deck. the throwing spread quickly throughout the stadium and soon the dark thick sky was filled with glittering cards slowing falling on the fans in the lower decks. eventually the staff in the sny booth threw a huge pile of cards out their window and the crowd roared.

america's pastimes together at last: baseball and littering.

thanks bbc

i try and check the bbc newswire often enough to give myself a break from the propaganda machine that is the american media.

but today, they've really outdone themselves.

thank you, bbc, for these pictures of drunk cats.

what a night

i love sleeping in, probably a little more than i should, but i think it's understandable given that i work past 4 am on a regular basis.

last night i stayed sober, went to bed early and tried to get a good night's sleep, but those of you who live in the new york area know what happened next.

we got rocked. and not in a good, ears ringing, sweaty kinda way. a massive thunderstorm descended on the city. i just read that every single subway line in the city is at least a little flooded, and the basement downstairs is a disaster.

i love thunderstorms. but not at six am. and i think they're a lot more fun with company.

NO REAL THAN YOU ARE (two pictures)

an awesome car accident in moscow. driver amazingly unharmed.



a mysterious giant lego block that appeared overnight on beach in holland.

mystery solved

the craigslist missed connection wasn't about me. sigh...

the anniversary of hiroshima

after months of depressing entries about slogging through drunken dawns, i've made an effort to steer things towards a more humorous take.

but today is the anniversary of the bombing of hiroshima.

just wanted to point something out:

estimated casualties at hiroshima: approximately 70,000.

estimated iraqi casualities since the US invasion: approximately 70,000.

more toothpaste

have i told you about toothpastefordinner.com? only about a million times.

here's my newest favorite:

today's mystery, brought to you by craigslist

who was working?

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/389200041.html

monday picture

what do you get when you mix red hook, a busted fire hydrant, a beach cruiser with bud light detailing and a wide angle lens?

my new favorite picture:

an extremely productive day

i woke up late after closing the bar at 5 am. i've had a couple of pretty good nights this week behind the bar -- always nice to come back from vacation and have fun at work. so i decided to do some shopping today:

the knut diet

since everyone's favorite source for knut-related news is taking a break, i thought i would make sure to post the latest update.

as you may know, knut is the polar bear rescued by the berlin zoo.

big news today: knut is on a diet! he's down from four meals a day to a measly three. and no more croissants! now that just seems harsh. i actually wasn't aware that polar bears liked croissants, or that their snacking habits might be detrimental. he does look pretty portly these days -- you can click here to see video of the lard-ass.

i'm not the biggest fan of zoos; they tend to depress me and make my anarchist tendencies rise to the surface. i still don't think the oakland zoo has accepted my apology for freeing their ring-tailed lemurs.

at the same time, my god, does knut have it easy or what? the planet earth series on discovery had footage of a polar stuck in stew of melting ice cap, struggling to find footing and swimming for miles and miles, desperation and hunger pushing it to eventually risk a fatal attack on a walrus herd.

and knut gets croissants. well, not any more. so maybe some animals can take solace in zoos.

eating a croissant seems much easier than eating a live walrus.

interstate 35w

just so y'all know, it looks like all my twin cities people are safe and sound. how does a bridge just fall down?

mountain of meat

trawling the news, i discovered this tasty morsel:

A Romanian company is accused of dumping 47 tonnes of animal carcasses on the outskirts of Bucharest...
The carcasses are rotting amid heat of 38C, just metres from a main road. Piles of black plastic bags are stacked around the dump, with bits of chicken and even horse carcasses poking through. A strong wind is blowing the stench in all directions, but more worrying is the danger to human health.

Could you say that they are perhaps suffering from a... meat wave?

the best youtube video ever?

no really, you have to watch this right now. 1500 filipino prisoners dancing... come on, just watch it.



did you watch it?

if you're curious, here's a documentary about it: http://youtube.com/watch?v=UWf3y6r0kmA

the dawning of a new age

ok, i'm 28 now. and i'm serious about blogging. that was a long break, wasn't it? sorry! i've been busy.

i had a gigantic birthday party. i'm pretty sure there were 100 people there. and a lot of them were like 19. but luckily the cops didn't come! what a party.

i went to minnesota for my birthday. my folks have a lake house in cass lake. what beauty, what tremendous silence. kayaking at dawn with osprey, eagles and heron overhead. biking the 20 mile loop around the lake through cathedrals of trees. we went and saw the smothers brothers at a local high school. i bid and made a small slam while playing bridge. most importantly, i got some time with my grandparents, who are old getting older. i love them with all my heart. and i'm coming out to california for thanksgiving to see them -- but also to see all of you who might be there for the holiday.

i was home from minnesota for about 10 hours and then headed upstate for my favorite party of the year in cornwall ny. always a joy to take the hudson line, skirting the hazy river with magical castles and sailboat. it's funny to have a group of friends that i see every six months -- every year there's a summer party and a new year's party. what a loving crew and a great scene. i forget how much i love games. playing badminton in a light rain, extreme off-road bocce, ping pong, epic battles of four square. and lots of drinking.

this has been my week of hot tubs. from tuesday through sunday i have taken at least three hot tubs every day.

and now the noise and the grit and the stench of new york has returned, and i'm not sure that i'm ready. part of a fantastic date last night included a ride across the brooklyn bridge in the cool summer wind, and although the views and company were altogether glorious, the shudder shake rattle and clang traffic below was too much for me.

that's the problem with vacations: they end.

please keep an eye on things here -- i'm back and stronger than before.

happy 4th! a story of disaster.

a little lapse there. sorry about that. i hope you've all managed somehow. i had the stomach flu for a while. but i'm better now. i actually started taking it easy for a few days and got totally sick. so from now it's full bore party time. for my health!

day three of the flu bears repeating. i probably shouldn't post this here, but what the hell? it's not like more than five people read this thing anyways.

i was at about 80%, just starting to feel recovered, when i went to bartend at a wedding. let me tell you about this complete and utter disaster. the poor bride, i really felt sorry for her. i arrive and the caterer (and my boss) is nowhere to be found. hmmm... so guests are arriving in 30 minutes and nothing is on ice? excellent. wait, we don't have enough ice? oh, and we don't have any bottle openers. awesome. so i went and found a grocery store four blocks away and dragged a sleeve of ice back to the wedding. but where is the caterer?

turns out HE IS IN JAIL! oops. the bride is his ex, and he's catering the wedding as a favor. but he's in prison. wow.

so we get the bar all set up and then it turns out i haven't been hired to bartend, i've been hired to serve food. ugh. i make my way through the crowd with candied bacon and scallops and other fine dishes but everyone is complaining. where are the rest of the servers? why aren't you serving more food? bitch bitch bitch. this is SO not what i signed up for. the bride is bitching me out. her friends are bitching me out. i'm not running things people! leave me alone. i've got a splitting headache and am feeling weak from eating nothing but chicken soup for the last three days.

i overhear someone come up to the bar we'd scrambled to set up and say, wait, you guys, there's supposed to be another bar on the other side of the room. that was the last straw. i eat the last piece of tuna tartare on my plate, grab my bag and walk out the door. god, it felt good to bail out on that chaos.

so i think the lesson is, don't let your friends cater your wedding.

oh, here's the best part. turns out the guest list was all high-ranking staff at the new york times. check out this article!!

a common theme

a friend pointed out that there are even better pictures of ugly dogs here.

that includes munchkin:



does anyone remember the movie critters? i think this is the real thing.

bong hits 4 jesus

i'm not sure what to say about this story.

other than i feel like he should have spelled hits with a z. bong hitz 4 jesus. it just flooows, ya know?

important news!

click here for the big story of the week!



it's the world's ugliest dog.

check out the competition!

do you love bruce springsteen as much as i do?

then you'll love this. or maybe you won't. genius or insanity? you decide:

the opera.

first of all, i just want to point out that i balls out love opera.

it felt so good to sit on the cool grass, watching bats dart through the dusk, surrounded by friends and listening to incredible music. we organized a big crew and sat together giggling, struggling to contain our laughter and getting glares from old people in beach chairs.

but i mean, what do they expect? most of us couldn't understand a word. i wish the met had organized some sort of supertitles. i don't speak french so i really had no idea what was going on. when the tympani came in and the organ went dum-DUM-dum, then i knew the devil was about to sing. that's about it. the main character's name was marguerita, and they kept singing her name annunciated loudly and carefully, which made it sound like MAR-GAR-IIIII-TAAA. which just made me thirsty for a margarita.

non-musical highlight no. 1: meeting a super-hot and super-smart girl.

non-musical highlight no. 2: watching a day-old blackberry drop headfirst into a container of hummus.

oh, here's a great little story. as we were leaving the park, we hailed a yellow cab and this park slope couple ran up with kid in tow yelling, no wait! that's ours, we called him! [what? you don't call a yellow cab.] wait, we have a baby! they said to the driver. he asked us, well, where are you going? cobble hill and then into manhattan, we said. he asked the couple the same question. their answer: just around the corner, a couple blocks away. sorry, the driver said. i've got to take the longer fare. what? no. we have a baby! frustrated huffing etc. we drive away.

just because you have a baby doesn't mean you can poach our cab. back off, yuppies.

not blogging

today instead of blogging i am riding my bike to prospect park, working on my tan and watching free opera.

just thought y'all should know.

the best video game ever

so i've been thinking about buying a nintendo wii for a while now. i'm tempted but heading into a beautiful summer the last thing i need is a habit that keeps me indoors.

now i have a new motivator -- i just have to wait until they perfect this video game system. the game itself looks awfully boring, but man, those controllers are awesome!

an eternal mystery

whenever i head into the office (which is more and more rare these days), i take the 4 train from borough hall. it's easy and quick and gets me to within a couple blocks of red hot after a transfer to the 6.

but it also totally fucks with my head.

i swear, the train tracks under the borough hall station defy the laws of physics.

the 4 train to manhattan should travel north out of the station. but according to every piece of my internal logic, that damned train is heading south!

here's the deal.

i walk down joralemon st, heading just about due east.

i curse yet another starbucks as i walk down the subway stairs. at the bottom of the stairs, i turn left and head north towards the gates.

i turn right (east) and walk through the turnstile.

i make a left and head north. i walk to the stairs that lead to the manhattan-bound platform.

i turn right (east again) and walk down the stairs.

at the bottom of the stairs, i turn right to face the train platform. i am now facing southeast. the train comes from my left, heading southwest. right? but manhattan is to the north!

i've always been proud of my sense of direction. if i hadn't been with my family in europe at age 16, they'd probably still be lost somewhere in romania.

but seriously, i think if i don't figure this out i'm going to go crazy. hopefully not this crazy!

pity this busy monster,manunkind,

i'd say that i lean towards a compassionate existence, trying to understand the evil in the world without resorting to hatred or viciousness.

but here's something i don't understand:

why am i so incredibly satisfied that paris hilton is going back to jail?

one cnn anchor summed it up:

“It’s the kind of day where we’ll always have Paris.”

ouch.

am i shocked? no. am i dismayed? yes.

somehow i missed this story in last week's ny post:

Atlanta-based punk pop band Cartel has agreed to be caged in a 40-by-40- foot Fiberglas "bubble" planted at the tip of Pier 54 on the Hudson, where they will write, record and promote their sophomore record in 20 days.

according to the band's myspace page (where five MILLION people have listened to this so called "punk pop" garbage) they'll be exiting the bubble for a special engagement at... wait for it...

the iowa state fair.

ouch. i thought you were only supposed to play state fairs when your career was in decline.

but i guess if they're recording an album in a bubble, the decline started a long time ago...

two videos about baseball

okay, i usually don't put baseball stuff up here, but the mets blog is sort of defunct (as are the mets against the phillies so far -- damn you jimmy rollins). so here's a couple videos. first, here's a great clip of a manager for the mississippi braves arguing a call.

unfortunately, there's no way to hear what he's saying. if you're curious what the umpire and manager say to each other during these fights, watch the best arguer of all time -- the great earl weaver.

another american travesty

"The liberation movement is simply thrilled with the news! This is a triumph for grassroots civic action."

of course, this quote must be referring to the failure to effectively prosecute two foreign nationals imprisoned at guantanamo bay. right?

NO.

it's about paris fucking hilton, who's free after only five days in jail. freed due to a private medical matter.

there is no justice in america.

pictures!

so i went sailing yesterday. racing even! we finished last. but on such a beautiful day, who cares?

Sailing

hilarious!

speaking of sailing, here's a great time waster.

http://www.yachtrock.com/

sailing!

i am not going to work today. instead i am going sailing. hells yeah.

what i did yesterday instead of blogging

hey there. i miss you, blog. but sometimes you have to get outside. yesterday i spent nine disgusting hours overhauling my patio with the help of my sister and her friend molly. you see, my sister is moving to portland on monday [BOOOO!] and we're having a little going away bbq/dance party to send her off right. so the patio has to look its best. and it really does.

dammit, the pictures i took are sideways. but i have to go to work and i really want to show you.

my day thus far

sorry, dear readers, for the lack of postings this week. it's been a crazy one. i'm behind the bar five nights this week, plus things are picking up at red hot, plus it's my last friday with moxie. so let's work out that equation:

bar 10 hrs monday
+
bar 12 hrs tuesday
+
red hot 8 hrs wednesday
+
bar 10 hrs thursday
+
moxie 8 hrs friday
+
bar 10 hrs saturday
+
bar 12 hrs sunday
+
bar 10 hrs monday

um, is that an 80 hour work week? i don't know whether i can count monday twice.

and i wonder why i'm feeling strung out and exhausted. don't get me wrong, i love my bar and it's a great time of the year to work. this is just a long stretch.

to get to my original point, that being a detailed review of my day -- what else are blogs for?...

after closing the bar last night at 4 am, i came home and was surprised to find my housemates not only awake but quite active, cleaning the house even. for you see, dear readers, my beautiful apartment is being using as a location for a movie!

so i woke up at 9:30 to a production crew arriving at my house, complete with annoying yippy white dog and idiotic starlets. i tried to sleep in, which was not happening. eventually i was presented with the life-affirming experience of walking out of my room bleary, tired and unready for the morning, dressed only in a towel and blind, confronted with cameras and a dog named harpo and a dozen people in my kitchen.

i hate the movies.

songs of enchantment

from the last page of the book i just finished -- songs of enchantment by ben okri:

the girl began, singing:

how does love create immortality?

and the others replied:

love creates mystery.

and mystery creates thought.

thought creates action.

and action creates a life.

the essence of your life is your gospel.

and your gospel is your light.

your light is your immortality.

and so love creates immortality.

spanish pictures

click on the picture below to see my pictures!

adventures in spain

why to watch your children carefully

los peregrinos

i'm a little busy today, so here's some great reading -- check out my parents' blog on the camino to santiago.

oh smurf.

i was always jealous of the smurfs, what with their white hats and mushroom houses. yeah, the gender ratio was pretty rough, but you know, i'm a modern man. and brainy smurf was awfully handsome.

but now all my dreams have been realized. i can finally LIVE INSIDE A MUSHROOM!

well sort of.

read the incredible story here.

my only question is, does it smell like mushrooms all the time? because that would be gross.

not as gross as nasal cleansing with bourbon!

i'm always right...

yes, i'm up at 10 am after falling asleep after 5 this morning. i am tired. but it was fun last night, i made some money and we only had to kick one person out, so i guess i can't complain.

remember this post? you should, it's only from three days ago.

well, it looks like i was right!

i think dressing up dead animals is this summer's hottest fad!!

well, that and laughing at paris hilton while she's stuck in jail.

my productive day:

i came back from spain exhausted but with a renewed sense of purpose, more motivation than i've felt in a long time. and that drive has actually lasted. the afternoon i returned i gave my room a thorough spring cleaning -- we're talking closet reorganization and home improvement. i still don't have new curtains (damn you, ugly curtains! your waving in the wind taunts me). but i'm feeling good and this fantastic weather has got me rolling.

tempy asked today where we'd rather be, and for the first time in a long time i can say i'm content right where i am.

so today i slept in, sort of necessary really when closing tonight at 4. but after the late rise, it's been a fun day:

i bought a new 400 GB hard drive in preparation for recording my songs.
i took my new/used/stolen bike for a full tuneup and new seat/pedals/chain/wheel/lights/bells/whistles.
i sunbathed at the foot of the manhattan bridge.
i had a sushi picnic with my friend who's moving to boston next week.
i ate ice cream.
i did some laundry.
i tended to my flowering strawberry plants. they actually survived the winter!

as ameet might say, onepromofo. one productive motherfucker.

and once the ice cream settles, it'll be time for a nice long yoga session. maybe a nap first?

sorry to those of you stuck in an office right now. just remember i'll be working past 4 am tonight and then up early to head to queens. i think that makes up for it.

this brave soldier

have you ever wondered what those nasal cleansers are all about? drew from toothpastefordinner.com has made a video to show us.

100th post!

This is the 100th post in the short life of this mostly neglected blog. That took much longer than I'd expected.

I've found my new summer pastime. Who wants to head up into the Hudson Valley for an art project?

more toothpaste for dinner

back in brooklyn

what a time. hopefully i'll have a chance to fill you in on the last few days of insanity in barcelona. but for now i am back home, back "where everything echoes and fades away differently because of the excessive noise that makes Things tremble" (rilke).

i'm trembling out to lunch.

is this a weekday? what day is this?

i´m in an internet cafe in barcelona and pink floyd's wish you were here is playing. in my delirium, i'm loving it.

36 hours in madrid... is not enough. but it was enough for the prado, the reina sofia, massive amounts of art really. i love heironymus bosch. also rediscovered my love of the spanish sculptor pablo gargallo.

36 hours was also enough for riotous late nights walking and drinking with friends. new and good friends. next time i´ll have to come on a weekend. and next time i will NOT get up at 5 am and drive seven hours to barcelona, which i just did. thus the delirium.

i can´t remember the last time i slept more than a couple hours. and now a sleepless weekend is surely in the works. i mean, it´s barcelona. nice that now that i´m finally over my jetlag, it's time to go home.

lesson: always check your elevation

yesterday morning i left my parents on the rainy, muddy trail to santiago de compostela, parting ways on a medeival bridge in a tiny village. i don´t envy them. a 500 mile hike over a month and nothing but rain in the forecast. plus they´re not catholic, and as my dad pointed out at mass, these people kicked my people out. there´s evident spiritual value in a long hike along a 500 year old pilgrimage path. but it´s also dominated by catholicism, the values of which are nearly diametrically opposed to those of my family. i´m interested to see how that plays out as they continue their journey. there´s a link to their blog to your right.

after leaving my folks behind i headed south, thinking i would outrun the rain by heading to the high plains of madrid. first mistake, as eliza doolittle would point out: the rain in spain stays mainly on the plain. so it rained harder and harder as i drove on through, well i´m not sure what, it was raining so hard i couldn´t see much. i decided to take backroads to get a better sense of the landscape and turned south towards logroño and la rioja. rain can´t stop me from wine tasting.

second mistake: not reading the map carefully. the further south i drove, the higher i drove. i saw a car stopped at a gas station but thought i was seeing things and continued on. soon i found that the car covered in snow was no mistake. first it was light snow. then heavier. the roads got steeper. my tiny prius slid back and forth on the narrow mountain road as the conditions closed in on whiteout. IT IS THE FIRST FUCKING DAY OF MAY!!! i kept thinking. if there hadn´t been other clueless drivers on the road, i would have turned back. when i finally reached the pass at 6000 feet i was thrilled. my white knuckles were sore from gripping the wheel and my shoulders ached. and when i finally stopped in a town to rest and have some lunch, nothing was open for the may day holiday. goddamn socialists.

but it was worth it. as i rolled towards my destination, blue started to break through and i was treated to splendorous views across the plains, bright yellow mustard and rich green fields dotted with sheep and ancient villages reaching towards the freshly snow-capped hills. all the more spectacular was my arrival into segovia, a beautiful city with a huge old city high on a hill. i stayed around the corner from the church where isabel was crowned queen of spain. i drank spanish beer and ate 10 kinds of pork (the local speciality) and watched football and wandered the darkened alleys that smelled like smoke and wet rocks and ham.

and now i´m in madrid. not in the cards originally, but que sera, sera. i´m in a backpacker´s hostel, sites that i usually avoid like the plague but with the cost of parking my car in central madrid, it´s time to save some money. a couple days to explore this giant city isn´t enough, but i need to be in barcelona by friday morning. that´ll be a fun one...

hope all is well in the states. ¿did you see this? crazy. sorry i´m missing the derby party. someone get drunk for me.



somehow i think that won´t be a problem.

seis minutos

i have six minutes left on the clock and no more euros, so i've got to make this fast. i'm in san sebastian on the north coast of spain, a stunningly beautiful beach town with the best damn tapas i've ever had. we're lucky to have found a place -- every single hotel, hostel and pension we could find was full when we called. we got the last room in a tiny place in the old town, although i'm sharing a room with my folks, which is a little weird. tomorrow i'm taking them up to the trailhead where they'll start their 500 mile hike to santiago de compostela. it's been cloudy here and there but it's been beautiful, especially a day's drive through cathar castles in southern france. i'm still jetlagged and i can't remember the last time i slept more than a couple hours, thanks to my extensive partying before leaving town. that was dumb.

i'd forgotten the incredible thrill of complete helplessness -- depending on sign language and good graces to get by puts you in a special place. i've realized that i'm tired of traveling alone -- it was a novelty for six months in africa but i'm totally over it now. so i'm headed to madrid to see some friends, even though it's hours and hours away. i've always wanted to see the prado anyways.

time's up. more later hopefully.

i'm off

a quick one before i head to jfk. i'll have internet here and there, thank god. what would i do without the internet? so hopefully this won't be the last post til i come home on may 6th. might even be able to post some pictures...

to quote ben folds:

good morning son.
i am a bird
wearing a brown polyester shirt.

and in my brown polyester shirt, i am headed out into the beautiful sunshine and enjoy a day at.... the dmv. okay, maybe not the best place to spend a gorgeous day. but i'm finally getting my new license, which means i won't be arrested in spain. one of my regulars gave me a huge tip yesterday and explained that it was the start of my bail money.

although this prison doesn't sound so bad.

r.i.p. boris

dance forever, my sweet russian angel.

how not to be a mets fan.

check out this guy.

so he shined a high-powered flashlight into the eyes of the opposing players. as queens district attorney put it, "this was definitely not the defendant's most shining moment." god that's awful.

but that's not the worst part. read on and you'll discover the intrepid writers for the ny post have dug deeper.

Former Bronx neighbors of Martinez, an exterminator, said he was thrown out of his Ericson Place apartment because of his Mets fanaticism.

"He was a psycho. He used to scream for no reason," said Abigail Torres.

She said when the team would play he would shout "M! E! T! S!" at the top of his lungs and later at about 3 a.m. he would go into the hallway and do it again, over and over.

i think i've finally found a way to properly express my love of the mets. i should probably warn my housemates...

how you doin?

thanks for asking, title. i am doing great.

it's a beautiful day. i mean stunning. any minute now moxie will wake up from her nap and we are going straight to the playground. after the nasty nor'easter weekend, this is just so redemptive. god i love spring.

why else am i great? my express mail package is on the way from the dmv in california, which means i'll be able to drive through spain legally.

and speaking of spain, that is another reason why i'm great. i leave on wednesday. which is soon. i actually thought i left early thursday morning but oops. so it's going to be a hectic couple of days. but by thursday night i'll be in montbolo, a tiny village just north of the border into france. it looks like this:


gorgeous. it's just off the mediterranean. i'm not sure if it'll be warm enough to swim yet. whatever, i've jumped naked into the winter waters of the pacific. and i don't think there are sharks in montbolo.

i am also great because two of my best friends in the world who've been engaged for too long finally got married. yes, i'm a little sad that as best man/bridesman (long story) i wasn't there, but there'll be a big party this summer and as best man i get my way paid. right sarah?

ha! i am giddy with warm weather and well-sleptness. hopefully only the well-sleptness will be fleeting -- closing the field tonight with a volunteer project at 9 am saturday morning. what in the hell was i thinking?

i'm never kissing anyone again

ouch.

vee believe in nah-sing, lebowski

death threats against knut? i blame nihilists. who else could hate something so cute?

playing dress up

sorry, loyal readers, it's been a busy couple of days. this morning i got up early -- 8:30! gasp! -- and i dressed up nice and headed to a meeting in midtown with the state department. turns out my online "jokes" about terrorism were taken very seriously. fyi, fellow bloggers, they are always watching.





no, i'm kidding. but i did go to the state department! their international visitors program is bringing over a group of iranian musicians for a cultural exchange program, and red hot is on board. they'll be here in july and we're setting up recording sessions and concerts -- no after parties though, since the visitors program won't pay for alcohol...

i'm excited about the work, but it's a little strange. what exactly are the motives of the state department? to convince these artists that america is a good place? they want to put the artists up in times square, which sounds like a terrible idea to me. why not put them up in astoria or jackson heights? let them see america at its best, a hundred languages in a single block, muezzin calls and cooking smells filling the air...

breakfast of champions

yes, i'm having breakfast at 1 pm. sue me, i worked last night. in fact, i've been behind the bar four nights a week for the past two weeks, with one more week to go before i go to spain...

so what is my breakfast today? cookies. i need to go shopping... but you can't shop hungry! so cookies it is.

lesson learned -- never call the DMV before breakfast. those people are evil. still working on getting my letter from california... and the woman this morning was about the least helpful person ever. this after a surprising string of helpful and candid advice. i think i got spoiled.

DMV Demon: Sir, you have to know the name of the person you spoke to. We don't rush items to anyone.

Me: I've spoken to three different people, I'm sorry I don't know their names.

DMV Demon: Yeah, it's a problem. You have to remember who you talked to. We have Greg, Bob, Alan...

Me: Can you just look up my driver record?

DMV Demon: Why did my computer just crash? Hold on.

worst cab ride ever...

and i thought the ride from grand central was bad. but this...

saturday morning

good morning! what a couple of days. thursday, 12pm-5pm at red hot and 8pm-4am at the field. friday, 12pm-5pm with moxie (the 18-month-old i nanny) and then 6pm-4am at the field. working two 16 hour days with four hours of sleep in between is the best!

on the plus side, i just paid may's rent in 48 hours.

i am the hunter.

i am the hunter. you cannot escape me.

you, small brown haired girl with ugly jacket.

you might think that since i'm behind the bar that i can't see you. but i do see you. who could miss that ugly jacket? and now i am coming for you. when you came in with your friends, did you think that i didn't notice you? it's hard to be sneaky with a jacket that hideous.

i know your secret. all your friends look under-age but to my great surprise they are all 21. some are even 22! but that is older than you.

i approach your hiding place with the stealth of a snow leopard. there is nowhere to run. i feign friendliness. "i'm sorry honey, but do you have ID?" i ask but i already know your answer. you fumble through your purse. then this is my favorite part -- you turn away and stop looking! did you expect me to just forget about you?

the hunter grows weary. "you can't be in here without ID." what did you say? you grabbed the wrong purse? oh, that's too bad. you should go home and get it. buh-bye now. don't forget your ugly jacket!

i am the hunter.

three reasons why i hate my job today

1. because the office is too hot when it's cold outside, and i'm sure it'll be too cold when it's hot.

2. because i used to have a great computer, and then my co-worker lost his other job and took my workstation, and now i work on a pc running windows 2000 and i want to blow it up.

3. because the office manager's office, which houses my beloved postage machine, has had a do not disturb sign on it for the past two hours. the sign is in arabic. i think she's a terrorist.

a rough couple of days

no, not for me, don't worry dear readers. i'm doing fine.

but kurt vonnegut is not doing so well.

and neither is johnny cash's ghost.

oh, and poor howard k. stern! i know how much he wanted that baby.

r.i.p. kurt. so it goes.

i call it "magnetic field of dreams"

thanks to william for the rockin' poster. hope you'll be joining me!

getting up early

not something i'm very good at usually. understandable given that i wasn't home until 4 am last night, and that's a regular occurence these days. both this thursday and friday i'll be there again.

it's worth getting up early just for the light, which illuminates the brownstones with a soft wash of light, more subtle than the glowing parisian dusk. even the monolith of long island college hospital seems peaceful. ellis island glimmers across the harbor, the wizened domes rising from the white-capped waters. even the undertaker had a smile on this morning.

on too few hours of sleep, i headed to brooklyn montessori to talk about markets in uganda.


not my best performance with a class full of unruly kids, but we had fun.

i haven't had the most productive day since. mostly i've just watched planet earth. did i mention it's the best thing on television?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

that was a scream. i'm at the nyu library and i just needed to let something out. nyu hosts red hot's archives, which is great because we don't have to pay for cold storage in jersey any more. but i came in an hour ago and needed a copy of an 11 page folder. an hour later, i'm still waiting for the folder to be copied. seriously? i mean, i could copy 11 pages quick. well, i wouldn't take an hour. truthfully, i probably couldn't do it as fast as tempy.

the best acronym ever

who knew? this is hilarious, and sort of scary.

i've always wondered what JONAH stood for.

yeah, i like cadbury eggs too...

this cockatoo thinks cadbury eggs are real eggs.

but the real highlight of this obviously insane bird?

"She's got so much character it's unbelievable. She hates men - we've had a builder in who had his neck bitten. We had to prise Pippa's beak off his neck.

"When she attacks you, she attacks your ear lobe - she goes straight through them. We do free ear piercing here."

lets go mets

in order to spare my readers who aren't as obsessed with baseball as i am, i've started a mets blog with some friends.

it's called home run apple. enjoy!

andrew bird...

live music is a huge part of my life, but most of it is working at shows downstairs. i'd forgotten how powerful live shows can be. but my goodness, tonight i have had a stunning reminder.

tonight i went to see andrew bird. three piece band. andrew would lay down looped violin counterpoint and make a bed for his dummer/keyboard player (one hand drumming, one hand milking a fender rhodes) and bassist. giant sounds erupted from spinning phonograph horns. and then andrew comes in with... whistling. soaring, like a musical saw or theremin. the loops twist and feedback and waves of sounds and textures rise from the burning amplifiers and the crowd goes crazy.

oh. did i mention it was a secret show announced day of and that i was on the guest list? that makes it that much sweeter.

he's playing letterman tomorrow night if you'd like to see and hear.

the best shirt ever

light headed fun

in the midst of the chaotic license replacement process (new social security card, express mail to california), i ran into a mobile blood drive unit offering free tickets to mets games for giving blood. can't resist that!

so now i'm home, a little woozy and watching the mets home opener.

last night was the worst night of bartending of all time. six customers in ten hours and a total of nine dollars in tips. ouch. at least i'm getting better at darts.

i think jesus hates me.

because i didn't go to church on easter for the first time in my life. does the fact that i went to easter mass at st peter's at the vatican 11 years ago count double? i've been saving it up.

i'm at work, and since there's no internet (again) upstairs, i brought things downstairs. it's not like *anyone* is coming to a dive bar on easter sunday anyways. so i have my book (ben okri's songs of enchantment -- more on that later) and my computer to keep me company.

i'm a little freaked out. yesterday while i was out shopping, my driver's license fell out of my wallet -- at the same intersection where i lost my wallet last year. it's not like i ever drive in the city, but uh oh, i'm going to spain in three weeks and driving all over the place. oh, did i mention it was a california license and that you can only get a replacement in person? i've got a shot at getting a new york license, but it's going to come down to the wire.

jesus totally hates me.


yea, and verily jesus spoke, and said, get of my house with those garbage shots.

tell me, who are you this time?

i have a favor to ask of you. i'm curious who reads this blog regularly. if you don't mind the invasion of privacy, can you comment below and tell me who and where you are? thanks.

also your SSN and a major credit card. jk

it's easter dammit!

yesterday i looked out the window of my office at madison and 30th, up to the soaring heights of the empire state building. and i could barely see it because of the thick horizontal snowflakes. that is so not cool at all. the last gasp of winter is always frustrating, but it looks like highs in the 40s through the weekend. hello, it's jesus time! do you realize, controllers of weather, that you're totally going to piss jesus off? what about all the barbeques and egg hunts that are somehow related to his teachings? if it's cold this weekend, it'll ruin everything.

it was bad enough when you ruined christmas.

and when i say you, i mean my sister hannah.

ten thousand

is how many CDs i just moved out of our storage unit and into the office.

that's a 1 followed by four zeros.

my back hurts.

the best rules ever

please read and follow all of these rules. for your convenience, i have put the most important rules in bold. unfortunately the people that need rule #28 won't ever understand.

frank rich, you are a god.

the 86 rules of drinking:

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.

12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.

21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.

28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.

32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.

33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.

37. Try one new drink each week.

38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.

39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.

40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.

41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.

43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.

44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.

45. It's okay to drink alone.

46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.

47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.

48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.

49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.

50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.

52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.

53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.

54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.

55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.

57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.

58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.

59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.

60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.

61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.

63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.

64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.

66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”

67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.

69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.

71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.

72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.

73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.

75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.

77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”

78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.

79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.

80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.

82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.

83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.

85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.

86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.

meet the mets

god i love baseball. i love it so much i'm starting another blog to spare the non-baseball fans from my obsession. it's not ready yet though.

the mets are amazing. my heart will always be with oakland, but i can watch every mets game and take the subway to shea -- 10 games last year & two in the postseason. and to top it off, we serve mets beer at the field. so it's inevitable.

it's gross.

it is cold and rainy today. feeling the danger of staying inside all day, i went to AAA and got my international driver's license. broadway and 62nd street is really far from my house.

you know what else i did today? i took all my change to the bank. i had $60 in change! i'm totally going out to dinner.

really keith? really?

when i die, *NO ONE* is allowed to snort my ashes.


not even you, keith.

am i a bad person?

on monday night at 3 am, a cracked-out homeless woman sold me a bike for $20. it's pretty obviously stolen. it's a sweet bike -- original leather saddle style seat, beautiful italian handlebars... someone loved this bike. and now i feel bad. so i put up a notice in the lost & found on craigslist. i swear i'll give it back if the owner gets in touch. although now they owe me 20 bucks.

anyone recognize this bike?

what do i hate?

"a place for friends"? how about "a place for a huge corporation to let you pretend like you own a piece of the internet but actually just a place for them to bombard you with advertising while your inbox and comments page are filled with fake friends and spam messages."

fuck you myspace. i hate you.

what do i love?

i love techmology! i just happened upon my dad checking his email from holland and conversed via gchat. i think that's the first time he's ever used an internet chat program. he wasn't very good at it. he was writing long paragraphs without entering the text and i had to tell him, no dad, just write a single sentence and then hit enter. i don't want to sit here while you write the next great american novel via IM. at least he doesn't know how to use emoticons.

were in ntherlands sabbatical is AWESOME!! :) lol

castilliano?

the spanish tapes finally came through, and they're fucking latin american spanish, not castillian. why am i even doing this? i'm spending all my time in basque and catalan country anyways, and the pyrenees don't speak any language except that of majesty. oh well.

and it's morning.

hello there. i just stayed up past 6 trying to get to sleep. and getting music -- new albums by andrew bird, tom waits, beirut, i'm from barcelona, menomena, built to spill, regina spektor and great lakes swimmers -- not a bad haul, although the one thing i i wanted -- spanish lessons -- is far from done.

i don't think i'm going to be very productive today.

it's my grandma's 84th birthday today. i'm going to call her right now.

what time is it again?

my occasionally tremendous insomnia has got the better of me again. it's too late for this. but it happens sometimes when i nap in the afternoon. which was necessary after getting up at 7 am and talking to a support group for HIV-positive spanish speakers in east bushwick. that's a new part of the city for me. in fact, seeing any of the city before 9 am is pretty much new to me.

at least i'm using my wide-awakeness past 5 am productively. i'm stealing. some music, but more importantly, a three part audiobook for learning spanish. relevant, given this morning's activities. not to mention i'm going to spain april 26th.

anyone have friends in barcelona? i'll be there the first weekend in may.

staying up late paid off for me tonight. after a long weekend closing late, exhausted and feeling under-tipped given the effort, a great monday downstairs. best tips in a while, and i even got a new toy tonight. i can't tell you what it is though. it's not dirty or anything, it's just too exciting to talk about until i have a picture to put up.

okay, i should get to bed. jesus it's late.

stealing from the neighbors

after weeks of the utter isolation that is life without the internet, tonight i'm finally able to update my blog. thanks for the connection, anonymous neighbor!

here's 10 things i've learned.

1. it is always better to be honest with yourself, even if means hurting people you love.

2. i do not like working past 5 am two nights in a row.

3. i can play a solo acoustic show and people will like it.

4. living above a bar where you drink for free is hazardous to your health.

5. i am out of shape and something must be done.

6. discovery channel's planet earth is the best nature television ever. seriously, ever.

7. i love the mets.

8. i miss my grandparents.

9. i don't update this blog enough.

10. see 1.

from toothpastefordinner.com

signed, frustrated in jackson heights

moxie is sleeping. she's adorable, an 18 month old who i'm watching every friday. makes me miss my kids, the incredible world of wonder that young children inhabit. moxie's vocabulary is expansive and she makes great linkages. i say, do you want to go outside? and she says, coat. hood. soft. soft. she knows what's important.

so now moxie is down for her nap, i'm just getting over the maddening trip into queens -- over an hour due to "a security situation" -- read: someone left their backpack behind. and now i've been asked to cover a shift at the field tonight, the late shift til 4 am. i know, i said i wouldn't write depressing entries about bartending any more, but this time it's not the work that's getting to me. it's the lack of it. since red hot cut my hours at the beginning of the year, things have been getting tight, and now that monkeytown and stanton social haven't worked out, things are really tight, so much so that i have no choice but to take this shift. the problem is that i had a whole evening planned with michelle, and now that's out the window. it's still butt-ass cold here, so it's not like i'm even going to make that much money, but i have to take what i can get. i'm trying not to spend money but it's hard, this city eats money like so many moths in a library.

i guess my laziness is to blame, feeling like i could make ends meet without packing my schedule with work. but it looks like i've got to find more work before the moths find my savings. with the upcoming trip to spain (which isn't particularly cheap), it'd be hard to get anything -- hello, give me a job but in 6 weeks i'm leaving the country. not gonna happen.

i'm starting to see why jessie is ready to move to portland.

a change is gonna come

my goddamned internet has been out all week, and by some miracle at 2 in the morning i'm finally able to glom onto some hapless neighbor's connection. where were you when i wanted to write on sunday, or check my email this morning, or at all over the past week? but here it is, and i feel like i should take advantage.

this past weekend it was in the 50s. winter is coming to an end, i thought. right now there's a 40 miles per hour wind blowing off the harbor and the wind chill is closing in on zero. so much for that.

the sunshine still gave my spirits a much-needed rise. i always become less productive when it gets cold, but this winter it's just been absurd. the few journal & blog entries i managed to force out of myself are testaments to ineffectiveness, creative and spiritual cravings with no relief and a lack of connection with my own inner self, not to mention those around me and in points afield. and it goes beyond this winter, and it always has, a lack of motivation and a tendency towards coasting through life. well, i have decided: no more.

sitting on the promenade watching an 18 month old child run in circles around her mother, i was struck by how fragile our lives are, how little time we have to make our mark on the world around us. and i don't mean being rich, or famous, or infamous. i mean, do we take care of the people in our lives? do we care of ourselves? do you feel like you've done all you can to create positive forces in your life and in the lives of others? well, i've tended not to over the past couple years and it's time for that to change.

after months of fucking around and getting pretty much nothing done, i've turned into a whirlwind of activity. i've probably played guitar for 15 hours since Friday. i've written new songs, fixed old ones, gave my room a thorough spring cleaning. i've journaled, i've done extended sessions of yoga and meditation. don't worry, in the midst of it i still managed to party my ass off both friday and saturday nights. i'm not going to change everything.

it's late and i'm trying to break my habit of sleeping until noon, so i'm crashing out. but know, dear readers, that it'll be a while (i can only hope) before you get another utterly depressing entry about bar and city life.