from toothpastefordinner.com

signed, frustrated in jackson heights

moxie is sleeping. she's adorable, an 18 month old who i'm watching every friday. makes me miss my kids, the incredible world of wonder that young children inhabit. moxie's vocabulary is expansive and she makes great linkages. i say, do you want to go outside? and she says, coat. hood. soft. soft. she knows what's important.

so now moxie is down for her nap, i'm just getting over the maddening trip into queens -- over an hour due to "a security situation" -- read: someone left their backpack behind. and now i've been asked to cover a shift at the field tonight, the late shift til 4 am. i know, i said i wouldn't write depressing entries about bartending any more, but this time it's not the work that's getting to me. it's the lack of it. since red hot cut my hours at the beginning of the year, things have been getting tight, and now that monkeytown and stanton social haven't worked out, things are really tight, so much so that i have no choice but to take this shift. the problem is that i had a whole evening planned with michelle, and now that's out the window. it's still butt-ass cold here, so it's not like i'm even going to make that much money, but i have to take what i can get. i'm trying not to spend money but it's hard, this city eats money like so many moths in a library.

i guess my laziness is to blame, feeling like i could make ends meet without packing my schedule with work. but it looks like i've got to find more work before the moths find my savings. with the upcoming trip to spain (which isn't particularly cheap), it'd be hard to get anything -- hello, give me a job but in 6 weeks i'm leaving the country. not gonna happen.

i'm starting to see why jessie is ready to move to portland.

a change is gonna come

my goddamned internet has been out all week, and by some miracle at 2 in the morning i'm finally able to glom onto some hapless neighbor's connection. where were you when i wanted to write on sunday, or check my email this morning, or at all over the past week? but here it is, and i feel like i should take advantage.

this past weekend it was in the 50s. winter is coming to an end, i thought. right now there's a 40 miles per hour wind blowing off the harbor and the wind chill is closing in on zero. so much for that.

the sunshine still gave my spirits a much-needed rise. i always become less productive when it gets cold, but this winter it's just been absurd. the few journal & blog entries i managed to force out of myself are testaments to ineffectiveness, creative and spiritual cravings with no relief and a lack of connection with my own inner self, not to mention those around me and in points afield. and it goes beyond this winter, and it always has, a lack of motivation and a tendency towards coasting through life. well, i have decided: no more.

sitting on the promenade watching an 18 month old child run in circles around her mother, i was struck by how fragile our lives are, how little time we have to make our mark on the world around us. and i don't mean being rich, or famous, or infamous. i mean, do we take care of the people in our lives? do we care of ourselves? do you feel like you've done all you can to create positive forces in your life and in the lives of others? well, i've tended not to over the past couple years and it's time for that to change.

after months of fucking around and getting pretty much nothing done, i've turned into a whirlwind of activity. i've probably played guitar for 15 hours since Friday. i've written new songs, fixed old ones, gave my room a thorough spring cleaning. i've journaled, i've done extended sessions of yoga and meditation. don't worry, in the midst of it i still managed to party my ass off both friday and saturday nights. i'm not going to change everything.

it's late and i'm trying to break my habit of sleeping until noon, so i'm crashing out. but know, dear readers, that it'll be a while (i can only hope) before you get another utterly depressing entry about bar and city life.