this is one way. this is my announcement to my much-beloved softball team.
Magnetic Field Softball Suffers Another Injury Setback (AP)
BROOKLYN, NY - Already working through a nomadic season without a home bar, the injury-plagued Magnetic Field softball team took another hit this afternoon when they placed long-time benchwarmer Jonah Eller-Isaacs on the 30-day DL due to an upcoming surgery.
Coach William "Snackbar" Crane explained, "Jesus, we finally get some momentum and now our players are dropping like so many pop flies in the outfield. What is this, the 2007 Oakland Athletics?"
Eller-Isaacs joins fellow MFers Matt "Sexier Than Young Paul Newman" Caplicki (ribs) and Mitchell "Don't Talk Shit About Chicago or I Will Kick Your Freakin' Ass" Bisschop (hand) on the disabled list. Caplicki injured himself during a week-long binge that ended with an ill-timed swan dive into the East River, and Bisschop recently got his hand stuck in a bottle of vodka, making it swell up, like, really big and gross.
Assistant Coach Jack "Skippy Dippy" McFadden asked reporters, "Does Jonah even play on our team? I only seem to remember losing when he was around."
Asked to comment on the two-year-long losing streak that the team has suffered when Eller-Isaacs takes the field, Mr. Eller-Isaacs replied with a long sigh, saying, "At least I throw good parties."
Eller-Isaacs heads into surgery Friday May 9th at the NYU Cancer Center and will be in the hospital through the weekend.